


Let's Talk About Love

by SomeoneOnThisWorld



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Talks About Feelings (Supernatural), Communication, Dean Winchester Talks About Feelings, Heaven, I'm making them talk about it if it's the last thing i do, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Post-Season/Series Finale, Resolution, Series Finale, Spoilers, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:52:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27643031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeoneOnThisWorld/pseuds/SomeoneOnThisWorld
Summary: “Jack was adamant it was fine, so I decided not to touch it again. But I was so sure something wasn’t quite right about it. I just-”“Cas.”“Yes, Dean?”The energy shifted between them. Oh, this was it. They both knew it. They had fallen back into their old friendly habits all too quickly, but the jig was up now. Twelve years of deafening silence, twelve years of things coming in between, twelve years of things left unsaid, looming over them like a dam ready to burst. And now, they had to talk about it.***Dean and Castiel are in Heaven now, free of everything that might ever come between them again. And, above everything else, they're free to talk. They've got time to talk. So they're going to talk.(rating changed because I couldn't resist a few fuck-bombs in the last chapter lol. probably unnecessary, but I still thought I'd change it just in case xP)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 35
Kudos: 245





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. I haven't been a big fan of the show for some time now, but I've been queerbaited back in with That confession scene lol.
> 
> And I have to say, first of all, that as a long time fan (who took a three-year hiatus in between) I didn't hate the series finale. In fact, they actually handled it better than I thought they would, so I give them credit for that and for how they bid Dean and Sam a very beautiful and peaceful farewell. And while I find what they did with Castiel's story very bad and flawed, we must accept that they also poured all their heart and love into his passing – and they even mentioned that Jack must have brought him back! They really reached the bare minimum and you know what? I'm good with it. I never even expected that from them tbh.
> 
> I also really liked how they left the end open for all of our own interpretations. It was their gift to the fans of the show in my opinion. They mentioned Cas was back, they didn't give Dean a random love interest to turn him irrevocably straight. So, they're in Heaven now, free of everything that might ever come between them again. And, above everything else, they're free to talk. They've got time to talk. So I'm making them talk.

_Let’s talk about love_

_and how you’re never quite sure_

_you’ve felt it_

_until the world is crumbling_

_around you_

_and all you want to do is_

_keep_ _them_ _safe._

_\- E. K. (@shit_shewrote on ig)_

Heaven looked perfect.

Well, at the very least, it looked more perfect than it ever had before. Everything wrong with it, everything toxic and only seemingly idyllic, had finally turned into a beautiful afterlife. It was finally Heaven, in its most basic sense of the word.

Castiel smiled as he looked upon the fields of grass, the mountains, the river. It looked like home. Finally.

“All done?” He turned around to see Jack waiting on him with an expectant smile.

“Almost,” Castiel said, eyeing the nearest grass field once more. “Does this color look right to you? I feel like it should be greener. I have a memory of it being greener.”

“I think it’s fine,” Jack said, stepping closer. “No one is really going to focus on the shade of grass.”

“I suppose.”

They enjoyed the view for a while, the pure serenity of it. Heaven looked like it never had before.

“This is amazing, Jack,” Castiel said. “I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Jack beamed at him, like only the God of sunshine and light and everything good could.

“Thanks, Cas,” he said. “I’m going to start welcoming the humans. You wanna come along?”

“I … sure,” Castiel said, hesitating for a second. The color still did not look quite right to him. It should have been perfect. Heaven should have been perfect. “Are you certain the grass shouldn’t-”

“Cas,” Jack cut him off with a laugh, redirecting Castiel’s attention to him by placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m absolutely certain _he_ won’t be focusing on the exact shade of grass when he gets here.”

A meaningful look passed between them. Castiel sighed in defeat. Of course, Jack could see right through him.

“How much longer, do you think?” he asked hesitatingly.

"You know I don't know exactly," Jack said. There was something knowing in his gaze, something regretful, that did not go past Castiel.

“Tell me.”

“Do you really want to know?”

The desperate look in Castiel’s eyes told him yes.

“They’re happy now. They’ve got a dog, go on the rare hunting trips when needed. Dean stopped drinking as heavily,” Jack said. “I don’t think he touched scotch since the night after you …”

He trailed off and Castiel nodded. Strangely, it filled him with happiness and hesitant hope.

"Soon,” Jack finally said, softly. "I don't know exactly when or how or where, but ... it's going to happen all too soon. I can feel it coming every time I think of him."

Castiel felt a little sick to the stomach. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to hear this. Jack noticed a shift in him and noted it with a sympathetic glance.

“He’ll go peacefully, though. I'm sure of that,” he said, trying to comfort both Castiel and himself about it. “He is happy, so happy. Hopeful. But he's also so dreadfully tired. I have a feeling he will greet Death like an old friend when it comes for him.”

Castiel nodded again, a sad look overcoming him.

“Still,” he said, desperately trying to keep his voice steady. “He deserves a long, happy life. After everything he's been through.”

“You know very well that he lived through enough for several lifetimes,” Jack said. “I think that, despite finally being free, and happy, he deserves his rest more than anyone.”

“Yes, I suppose you're right."

“And when he comes here, you will be waiting,” Jack added. An all-knowing smile graced his features, and it was looking just slightly too smug for an impartial God.

“I don’t know if he’ll be ready to see me right away,” Castiel said. “I never told you, but the way I left …”

“I know. I know everything now, remember?” Jack interrupted him. “And I never told _you,_ but there isn’t a day he doesn’t remember your departure with the most bitter regret in his mind. I’m telling you, Cas, the second he comes here? The first thing he does, he’s going to pray to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the first chapter!! There are two more coming, where Dean and Cas actually talk, but I just thought I'd pepper in this little moment first.
> 
> Also, if you liked the poem at the beginning (my original!), please follow me on Instagram for more original content!! I write poetry and short stories, and since writing fanfiction (namely, Destiel fanfiction) kind of helped me develop my writing style, I thought I'd dedicate this poem (and the two more that are coming) to Dean and Cas and the earth-shattering power of their love. And I would be beyond happy if anyone would be willing to show me support in the next chapters of my writing adventures ^.^ 
> 
> (Instagram: shit_shewrote)


	2. Chapter 2

_Let’s talk about love_

_and how you would fight both Hell_

_and Heaven_

_for a chance of forever_

_by their side._

_\- E. K. (@shit_shewrote on ig)_

Heaven was perfect.

Like, literally perfect. No asshat angels in sight, no one stuck in a mediocre memory, his entire family within his reach.

Even though he was dead, Dean Winchester had never felt so alive.

He didn’t feel like saying hello to anyone just yet. His folks, his friends … it would all be a teary mess of emotions when they would see each other again, and Dean needed just a second of peace before getting into that. So he got into his car and started driving.

Heaven was perfect.

The song felt like a distant memory as it blasted through the speakers, yet at the same time, it felt like the beginning of something completely new. And the vision of the road, the forests, the mountains! This was the perfect serenity his heart had been yearning for. Even if the car felt a bit empty, with no one sitting in the passenger’s seat. Or the backseat for that matter.

Somewhere halfway through the third song playing on the radio, he caught himself glancing into the review mirror for the sixth time in just a very short while. The backseat was still empty. Too empty.

Dean frowned, and immediately noted how strange it was to frown in Heaven. The entire universe was telling him to finally smile without a single worry, and yet there he was, frowning.

Bobby had said that Jack brought him _back_ , right? He had understood that correctly. There was no other way to understand it.

So why hadn’t he visited him yet?

He turned to a narrower road, up toward the peak of the nearest hill. He stopped the car at the very top, got out, looked around. The fresh mountain air hit his nostrils, as well as the smell of wildflowers growing amidst the grass field. The view stretched out into a vast distance, with a bunch of houses scattered all around. A wide river was flowing peacefully through the forest he had been driving through. It was so peaceful, quiet.

Almost perfect.

“Castiel?”

God, just saying the name made Dean’s heart flutter with unspeakable hope. This was the true test, he thought to himself. Because Heaven wasn’t really Heaven if he didn’t hear–

“Hello, Dean.”

He turned around and he could finally breathe a sigh of relief because there he was. Castiel. In his stupid trench coat, with his stupid tie, and a stupidly happy smile on his face. Dean took his time staring, mostly because he was frozen in place, unsure of what to do. He hadn’t thought beyond the first greetings.

Castiel, on the other hand, also seemed a bit awkward. It soon became apparent that he, too, was holding his breath. He was holding his breath, in Heaven, the only place where he could breathe easily. Even with Dean being a near obvious mess, just seconds away from weeping of joy, the poor dumbass still had no idea.

He really, really had no idea.

Dean leaped forward, enveloping him in the biggest, tightest hug.

“You sacrificial son of a bitch,” he muttered, tears already flowing unstoppably. “Don’t you ever dare leave me like that again.”

Arms slowly came around him, and he could feel Castiel’s exhale against his neck as he buried his face at the crook of it. They stood like that for a while; seconds, minutes, hours, it didn’t matter. This was Heaven. Dean could spend it however the hell he wanted.

When they finally broke apart, their eyes were bloodshot again, and their faces a teary mess. But they were smiling, happy beyond words, and there was nothing that could take this moment away from them.

“Cas, I …” _I love you_. “I missed you a lot, man.”

Castiel’s lips twitched, and his smile lost a bit of its brilliance. Damn it. There went Dean’s Heaven. Buried away with words that still wouldn’t come out, and sent off with a smile that reflected the bitter-sweet acceptance of whatever was offered, even if it wasn't enough.

“I’m sorry I never came to visit after Jack brought me back,” Castiel said, looking down, away from Dean's face. He made two small, awkward steps worth of distance between them, and then looked at the view in front of them. “There was a lot of work to be done here. And besides, Jack and I agreed we wouldn’t bother you and Sam anymore. You finally looked content.”

Dean nodded, barely listening as his mind was focusing on the distance, no matter how small, still between them. His throat felt sore with unspoken words that he wanted to scream at Cas, scream them into the valley below, scream them loud enough for the whole Heaven to hear.

“It was good, yeah. Nothing like Heaven, though,” he said. Castiel looked back at him, smile brilliant again. He looked like he forgave Dean for not reciprocating. Like just having him close again was enough. Dean couldn’t even begin telling him how near they still could be.

“Do you like it?” Castiel asked him. “I was the one to design this part of it. Jack felt that I was the best to handle the part where you and Sam will finally end up.”

“Yeah. It’s just perfect. That grass is looking a little wonky, though,” Dean joked, his smile bright as he searched Castiel’s face for a chuckle.

“I knew it!” Castiel groaned instead, to Dean’s slight disappointment, waving his hand in the grass field’s general direction. It changed shades immediately. “This is better, right? I knew I should have settled on this one.”

Dean laughed. Oh, how he laughed. Without any weight on his shoulders, this was the first time in the longest while that he allowed himself to laugh this freely in Castiel’s presence. He could barely even remember the last time they shared a nice, carefree moment like this.

“Yes, much better,” he agreed, not even looking at the grass anymore. It hit him, really hit him for the very first time, that they were here, in Heaven. And they would stay here indefinitely. Together, if Dean could just own up and do something about it.

“Jack was adamant it was fine, so I decided not to touch it again. But I was so sure something wasn’t quite right about it. I just-”

“Cas.”

“Yes, Dean?”

The energy shifted between them. Oh, this was it. They both knew it. They had fallen back into their old friendly habits all too quickly, but the jig was up now. Twelve years of deafening silence, twelve years of things coming in between, twelve years of things left unsaid, looming over them like a dam ready to burst. And now, they had to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!
> 
> As I've said before, if you liked my original poem at the beginning, please follow me on Instagram for more original content!! I write poetry and short stories, and I would really appreciate all the support I can get ^.^
> 
> (Instagram: shit_shewrote)


	3. Chapter 3

_Let’s talk about love_

_Yes. Let’s_

_just talk about it._

_\- E. K. (@shit_shewrote on ig)_

Dean hated how hard it was, trying to get words to leave his mouth. It should have been easier, after everything they’d been to.

But not everything came easy in Heaven. Not the important things.

“Cas, I …” No, that wasn’t it. “Cas, you … you and me,” – _you’re screwing it, Winchester_ – “I just wanna say … um.”

Castiel wasn’t making it any easier for him, either. He stood perfectly still, squinting at Dean’s miserable attempt of communication. It would have been so much easier if he just read Dean’s mind.

Taking a deep breath, Dean counted to five and tried again.

“Cas. What you said back there. At the bunker, to me. When …” he trailed off pathetically, but at least the one coherent sentence and a half sparked some understanding in Castiel’s eyes. Not the right one, though.

“It’s fine, Dean,” Castiel sighed. He smiled sadly, oh so sadly, and his tone was so defeated, and Dean felt like kicking himself. “I understand. You don’t have to ...”

“God damnit, Cas,” Dean cut him off. “If you tell me I don’t have to say something one more time, I swear ...”

Castiel threw his hands up in defeat and waited silently. Those blue eyes didn’t look directly at Dean again.

Dean sighed. He was fucking this up so bad.

“Let’s ...” he looked around, then, pleadingly, sought out Castiel’s eyes again. “Can we take a walk? Please?”

Castiel looked back at him, like a man preparing for the last walk of his life, like a man begging for a pulled bandage instead of this suffering. Then, beneath all that, Dean could also see a man who could never refuse him anything. He nodded at last and motioned to Dean to start walking, wherever he wanted to go.

So Dean prompted his legs to move, just to have something to do while his mind scrambled for something to say. He noticed a small path along the field and decided to take it, Castiel only a step behind him. They walked along the path in silence, let it take them towards a forest path a little down the hill. Good, Dean thought. Forest was more hidden, more intimate. He needed the comfort it offered.

“So, um,” he began in the midst of their stroll, still struggling to find the words. “I have something to say. And don’t you dare go dying on me again before I say it, okay?”

“Of course.” Dean could hear a small involuntary smile in Castiel’s voice, but he still wouldn’t let himself look up at him, rather focusing on the leaves and branches beneath their feet. “Take all the time you need.”

“Here’s the thing.” Dean was still mentally kicking himself. How the hell didn’t he know how to say it? Still, after he’d been imagining this impossible conversation for months?

Maybe the problem was that he had so many words to say and he simply couldn’t decide which to say first. Should he begin with the big L? Should he tell Cas that he’d had him all this time and how sorry he was for not making this clear in the past? Or that he wished they could turn back the time they’d lost, just to relive it in each other’s arms?

“I never knew that you …” he started, feeling a little bolder. He finally dared to look Cas in the eyes, even if Cas himself looked like he dreaded the eye contact. “I never knew that _angels_ could feel that. Love, I mean. I knew you cared about me, about Sam, Jack, everyone. But I thought it was all some celestial bullshit, that your care for the world was so incomprehensibly spiritual that it didn’t even come close to human emotions. I laughed at the ridiculous idea of you ever feeling like that. Towards anyone, really, but especially … towards me.”

“Dean …”

“Please, just,” Dean cut him off, raising a hand as he squeezed his eyes shut to refocus as he stopped walking. “If I stop talking now, it’ll take me another decade to open my dumb mouth. So, please, let me say what I need to say.”

Castiel stayed blessedly silent beside him.

“All this time, I …” Dean sucked in a breath as the overwhelming sense of all the time wasted rushed through his mind. “I held back. I had to, because if I let myself fall, it would just leave me even more broken than I already was. So I held back, even when it became clear to me that I was too far gone. But then I just kept losing you over and over again and it hurt so bad, Cas, you don’t even know. So my defense mechanisms kicked it. I began pushing you away when holding back wasn’t an option anymore. Try to put enough distance between us so I wouldn’t be able to come near you again, you know? I pushed you away every chance I got because I thought … god, I was an idiot. I actually thought that pushing you away would make me care less. But it didn’t. Of course, it didn’t, why would it? I just-”

“ _Dean_ ,” Castiel finally spoke over his rambling, catching Dean in a piercing stare. “What are you trying to say?”

And this, right there, was when it all became too much for Dean. The distance between them was too far, his words too hopeless, their eye-contact too intense. He felt at a loss of words again, desperate, and wanted to just run away. What more could he even say? He’d been word-vomiting nonsense since he’d started talking. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he and Castiel were destined for tragedy. Maybe they were meant to leave things unspoken between them forever.

But, in spite of all that, they were there. In Heaven, safe, together. Only a foot of air dividing them; no walls, no world endings, no secrets.

Well, Dean thought, just one more secret. If he could only spit it out.

Suddenly, he became very interested in Castiel’s hand, which was just within Dean’s reach. He had the desperate urge to take it, but … no. He couldn’t. Could he? No. Not until Cas knew how he felt about him. Holding the hand would be his reward.

Then again, how could he get through this conversation without some sort of comfort? He craved to close the gap at this point, craved the affection that would help him get through this.

 _Fuck it_.

His hand, trembling, reached for Cas’s.

Castiel looked down at their joined hands in confusion. When he looked up at Dean, Dean looked away pointedly, afraid to acknowledge the touch as some old instinct made him glance around to see if anyone was watching them. After a second, though, he looked back as Cas’s hand quickly became all he could focus on: how warm it was in Dean’s, how well they fit together. He ran his thumb across Castiel’s knuckles. Such a simple gesture, so accepted, and yet he’d been denying himself this simple pleasure, as well as so many other things. Looking back up at Cas, he found him staring straight at him, the beginnings of a confused smile on his lips. He said nothing, not with words at least: his hand, cautious, squeezed Dean’s in return.

“I love you,” Dean finally breathed out, the shock of Castiel’s touch finally giving the words a final push. “Cas, I love you so damn much. And I’m sorry I made you feel like you can’t have me. You could have had me all this time, man.”

Castiel became blurry as tears of pure happiness filled his eyes. He could only barely make out Castiel’s smile, which was not unlike the last smile he’d seen before Castiel had been taken from the last time. A brief sense of loss passed him like a chill, and he squeezed Castiel's hand tighter to ground himself. Losing each other was a thing of the past now. Neither of them was going anywhere any time soon.

He closed the distance between them, that one foot of empty air. He pressed his forehead to Castiel’s and let the tension fall from his shoulders, finally, for the very first time.

“I’m gonna kiss you now, Cas,” he announced in a tender murmur. Cas smiled wider and nodded to him, a silent sign that _yes, please, get on with it_. Dean closed the gap and brushed their lips together in the softest kiss he could manage, as if he was afraid the touch would take Cas away from him again. But he remained. He kissed him back, put his free hand on his shoulder – right where he had touched him when he’d saved him his first and his final time. _I’m not going anywhere_ , his touches promised, _you can have me indefinitely._

“I love you,” Castiel told him when they came back up for air, uttering the words like a prayer. “I never dreamed …”

He trailed off, leaving the last part of the sentence unsaid, but Dean could easily fill out the blanks. The thought was the same as the one he’d had after Castiel’s confession, after all.

“Yeah, me neither,” Dean said and swallowed thickly. “Can’t believe we’ve wasted so much time on Earth for absolutely nothing.”

“Did we?” Castiel moved away ever so slightly, only to smile softly at Dean. “I don’t think that spending time loving someone so dreadfully, even if from afar, could ever be wasted.”

“Says the angel who’s only been in love for, what, two percent of his life?” Dean chuckled and dared to bring his free hand to Castiel’s face. Castiel leaned into it automatically, as if they’d done it a thousand times, and it made Dean’s heart hammer against his chest. “It’s been about a quarter of mine.”

Castiel’s expression soured slightly.

“I am sorry you had to die so soon,” he said, his tone full of regret. “I wish you had more time.”

"Me too," Dean sighed. "And I wish you'd been down there with me. But mostly, I wish we'd at least have the chance to talk sooner if nothing else."

"We did have the chance. Many chances, in fact," Cas said. "I guess we were both just a couple of dumbasses."

"I prefer the term 'afraid of rejection'," Dean chuckled and dipped down to peck Cas's lips again. "Less dumb, less ass."

Castiel laughed with him, burying his face into the crook of Dean's neck as his arms wrapped themselves around Dean's waist, just because he could do that now. Dean hugged him back around the shoulders and pressed his lips to the top of his head, perfectly content with staying exactly like this for the next ten years. The grass was greener, eternity finally sweeter, all the missed moments were waiting to be atoned for.

And they loved each other, as they had never allowed themselves to love before.

Heaven was perfect, at last. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make the ending less cheesy my guys, I really did. But the stars, they were not in the position. COuldn't do it, not today xD
> 
> I hope you liked this fic!! I definitely had so much fun writing it, even if this last chapter took a long goddamn time to write lol
> 
> And thank you so much for all the lovely comments I've gotten!! I always appreciate them :D
> 
> And finally, if you liked this fic (and the poems, or my writing in general), I also write original short stories and poetry and I share most of my work on Instagram (username: @shit_shewrote) if anyone would like to follow me for more of my work!! Any and all support would be greatly appreciated!!


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